Short term plans 

Yesterday I thought about my blog post all day because I felt bad for painting a picture of my husband like that. I’m never the type to post relationship or feelings on social media. But this is different right? This is my blog, basically my diary. 

My iPad rings. I know it’s my husband. Lol he’s the only one that calls. I answer and all I see on the other end is a not happy but not sad either type of expression. We greet each other and of course I ask to see my pup whom I miss like crazy. He ignores tchnology though. He doesn’t even look at the screen and moves so that he can avoid the screen at all costs. 

But anyways I was feeling the sorry not sorry type of way about my post yesterday. That’s what was going on and that’s what I wrote about so sorry if I was mean but fuck it.

So were face timing and after a few times of him hanging up on me because he didn’t like that I didn’t want to come home, he finally listened to what was going on kinda. He dismisses me a lot. For example I will skim the top of an idea and he’ll be like oh nice, go for it or whatever, don’t worry about it. Then when I try to talk through it that’s the same line he’ll use when I ask him what he thinks or what I should do. It’s so fucking frustrating that my supposed best friend doesn’t even listen. Even worse when I see and hear him talking to other people DAILY, he’ll hear them out, share ideas, even debate a little. THE EXACT TYPE OF CONVERSATION IVE BEEN BEGGING FOR. isn’t that sad?

The reason I left and haven’t come back yet is because of just that. 

One day I brought this to his attention and we talked about it for a little bit. He said he had reservations on carrying conversations with me because he doesn’t make me angry or offend me. We went to Hershey park one weekend and spend maybe 2.5 out of 7 hour together by ouselves. The whole time it was silent. 

So I said try me. The whole reason you don’t even want to try to carry on conversation with me is because you don’t want to offend me. Not gonna lie, I do get turned off when i think something is dumb or I’m uninterested. So I said I’ll be better also, more open minded. 

He then went on to try to have a conversation with me which turned out good ! Lol I guess better than most. I was really trying too because he started this conversation in the middle of our arguement which was left unfinished. We ended with him saying I’m tired can we continue tomorrow. I said are you sure because that usually never happens, he said yes. So we went to sleep and Sunday morning was upon us. He asked me if I was hungry and I wasn’t. I’m the type of person that when I’m feeling blue, I lose my appetite.  After 9 years he still hadn’t connected the dots. He gets ready for his day and leaves the room. I stay trying to clear my head and and plan what I’m go a do to feel better. I decide I have to leave my situation. 

I was sad of course. I didn’t want to have to leave my husband at 21 weeks pregnant. But it wasn’t even really leaving. I wanted time away so that I didn’t have to feel so lonely and sad anymore. Then he can take that time to do whatever he needs to do and maybe even miss me a little.

Fast forward 16 days to today. If I go back and there’s no change, what am I gonna do? That’s a reason I haven’t gone back yet is because if I go back and stay with my husband and nothing has changed, UGHHH.

Nothing ever will.

But I can’t stay away forever. I’ll go back either today or tomorrow and see what happens. 

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Rainy Days


From the pictures I’ve posted of myself, it is clear to see that I am some type of foreign. Through looking for a home and moving, (and procrastinating) I’ve let my passports and other registrations become expired. #buzzkill. 

I live in Culpeper but these appointments and interviews and all that are usually closer to DC. Which, if you guys don’t know the area, is about 2 hours with normal traffic. And that’s me just making it. So I’m now staying in Maryland this week so I can be closer to the errands I need to run. My husband, on the other hand, stayed himself in Culpeper. Honestly, this is what I needed. Just sometime apart. Since we’ve been there, I’ve fallen into the background because he’s back with his family and living the life he was used to before we were married and I don’t like it. 

Today was my last appointment and really I could make that trek back out there tonight but I just don’t want to. I don’t know if there’s anything wrong. I don’t think there anything wrong. I definitely miss my dog. I think it’s the fact that I feel lonely?  when were together but fine when I’m by myself. I did hear that the first year of marriage is the hardest.

Speaking of which, our one year anniversary is coming up in a few weeks on 10/10. Of course no plans. What can 2 broke people even do. We could have like a picnic or something cheesy like that but who are we kidding, it’ll just be silent the whole time. Don’t get me wrong I’d love to carry on conversation but it just doesn’t happen that way. That’s really why I need this time apart. To not worry about him or why he acts the way he does with me.

I can’t forget though, I’m pregnant. If this DOES escalate, it’s going to effect more than just me. The hard part is I don’t really know how to make things better. It’s literally come to a point where I would rather be apart. 

Maybe it the area out there being so far from everything I know or if it’s constantly seeing him put his attention to other people before me. His mom said that her opinion as a mother will always out weigh mine as a wife and what did he do? Nothing. 

It may have been a joke or whatever the case. But that’s that shit. 

Ugh. I need to go back to work. 

Staycation

Today is day 4 of my 5 day Staycation at my in laws which will be my new home come this Sunday. It’s hard going from having your own space to sharing a bathroom kitchen and pantry with 5 other people. Right now though I am not complaining. I’m not one of a complainer anyway. First off,the house is huge and I don’t have to pay for nothing. That sounds pretty good to me. 

The only thing is that now my husband is back “home”he is back to his at “home”habits. Let me explain. He has thra e brothers and before we got married he had to make time for me. To talk to me, to see me. Now since I’m in the mix, time for me isn’t it longer a priority since I’m already here too. Idk what do you think. Am I being emotional again or is this a legitimate concern? I need a second opinion.