Yesterday I thought about my blog post all day because I felt bad for painting a picture of my husband like that. I’m never the type to post relationship or feelings on social media. But this is different right? This is my blog, basically my diary.
My iPad rings. I know it’s my husband. Lol he’s the only one that calls. I answer and all I see on the other end is a not happy but not sad either type of expression. We greet each other and of course I ask to see my pup whom I miss like crazy. He ignores tchnology though. He doesn’t even look at the screen and moves so that he can avoid the screen at all costs.
But anyways I was feeling the sorry not sorry type of way about my post yesterday. That’s what was going on and that’s what I wrote about so sorry if I was mean but fuck it.
So were face timing and after a few times of him hanging up on me because he didn’t like that I didn’t want to come
home, he finally listened to what was going on kinda. He dismisses me a lot. For example I will skim the top of an idea and he’ll be like oh nice, go for it or whatever, don’t worry about it. Then when I try to talk through it that’s the same line he’ll use when I ask him what he thinks or what I should do. It’s so fucking frustrating that my supposed best friend doesn’t even listen. Even worse when I see and hear him talking to other people DAILY, he’ll hear them out, share ideas, even debate a little. THE EXACT TYPE OF CONVERSATION IVE BEEN BEGGING FOR. isn’t that sad?
The reason I left and haven’t come back yet is because of just that.
One day I brought this to his attention and we talked about it for a little bit. He said he had reservations on carrying conversations with me because he doesn’t make me angry or offend me.
We went to Hershey park one weekend and spend maybe 2.5 out of 7 hour together by ouselves. The whole time it was silent.
So I said try me. The whole reason you don’t even want to try to carry on conversation with me is because you don’t want to offend me. Not gonna lie, I do get turned off when i think something is dumb or I’m uninterested. So I said I’ll be better also, more open minded.
He then went on to try to have a conversation with me which turned out good ! Lol I guess better than most. I was really trying too because he started this conversation in the middle of our arguement which was left unfinished. We ended with him saying I’m tired can we continue tomorrow. I said are you sure
because that usually never happens, he said yes. So we went to sleep and Sunday morning was upon us. He asked me if I was hungry and I wasn’t. I’m the type of person that when I’m feeling blue, I lose my appetite. After 9 years he still hadn’t connected the dots. He gets ready for his day and leaves the room. I stay trying to clear my head and and plan what I’m go a do to feel better. I decide I have to leave my situation.
I was sad of course. I didn’t want to have to leave my husband at 21 weeks pregnant. But it wasn’t even really leaving. I wanted time away so that I didn’t have to feel so lonely and sad anymore. Then he can take that time to do whatever he needs to do and maybe even miss me a little.
Fast forward 16 days to today. If I go back and there’s no change, what am I gonna do? That’s a reason I haven’t gone back yet is because if I go back and stay with my husband and nothing has changed, UGHHH.
Nothing ever will.
But I can’t stay away forever. I’ll go back either today or tomorrow and see what happens.